Life is good. I have a lot going on. But life is good.

Ok, so this is gonna seem totally ridiculous but whatever. Monday I withdrew from school at AIC. I did this for several reasons:

#1: They have once a week four hour classes. This means if you miss ONE class it's like missing a whole week at a regular school. That is a lot of pressure especially when considering that I work full time and sometimes it's nice to SLEEP!

#2: Being an interior designer isn't my main priority. I want to be a mom so I asked myself why am I spending 60,000 dollars on an education when I'm just doing this to have something to fall back on?

#3: I was starting to question whether it was really what I wanted to do and at 7,000 dollars a quarter, you better not be questioning yourself. You better know damn well.

So I withdrew.

My plan is I'm going to get a second part time job, and pay off the loan money that I owe to AIC. Then I'll quit that second job and go to ACC for general ed for a while until I figure out what I really want. I really am still inerested in Interior Design, but wierd as it sounds I'm also interested in teaching. High school social studies. So we'll see what is decided. But this is the plan for now.

Aside from that can of worms, life is good. I feel very relieved. A big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't need school causing anxiety attacks. Work is going really well.

And on another note, my birthday was AWESOMESAUCE!!! I woke up and dyed my hair it's lovely cranberry red color. (It turned out amazing) Then Greg, who is my new boyfriend for those of you who don't know, came over and we went out for the day. Most of you know what I went and did. After that we came to my house and had dinner and cake with my family. Then we got a hotel room and I had nine bottles of booze. We had these chocolate raspberry martinis. They were good! All my friends came over and we all got drunk and had an awesome time. Almost everyone that I invited showed up, it was a great party. Guests in attendance were: Jon Jon, Kylie, Chris O, Greg and Greg, Alli, Joe, Kieth, Spencer, and myself of course We all tipped a few back, and ate Taco Bell because, really, what else do you eat when you're drunk? Greg was a complete sweetheart and gave me a dozen roses. They're beautiful. They're still on my dresser babe! I'm getting ready to hang them upside down to dry. So yeah, that was my birthday in a nutshell.

Let's see what else is new? I miss chilling with Victoria. Ho, I'm gonna come to New York! I wanna chill with you! Yeah, oh! I've been talking to Dayne again, so that's all cool. And....I think that's everything really. I haven't made a journal in such a long time. Now it's done. I'll catch you on the flip side. Peace.

Oh my fucking god. There was an opportunity for overtime at work this week and I took all they would give me and consequently I ended up working 7 days straight and four of those days in a row were 12 hours shifts. Today was my last 12 hour shift, I work Saturday and Sunday and I'll finally have a fucking day off. I'm so exhausted but I know this next paycheck is going to KICK ASS!

School starts a week from Monday! Holy cow I'm so psyched! I can't wait to meet all those new people!

And speaking of new people, I've been hanging out with this chick from my work named Valari. She is fucking awesome and a total sweetheart. And though I don't know her extremely well yet, I feel like she really understands me and she gives great advice, which is something I've kind of been looking for. Actually, I'm just looking to meet more cool people period. She and I and her girlfriend Melinda went to Chili's after work tonight. It was a good time. She's a little older than me and I'm pretty sure that's why we get along so well. I tend to have a really hard time with girls my own age.

I got a new cell phone! My dad gave it to me as a surprise this morning, but unfortunately he also got me a new sim chip so now I have a new phone number. But it's cool. It's a nokia and it's got a camera and an MP3 player, and a bunch of other features that I don't even know how to work yet, lol. My last phone was a base model piece of shit, so it's gonna take a while to get used to all this fanciness But I'm pretty damn excited about it since my last phone was ready to kick the bucket.

I think that's pretty much all my new news. Tune in next time Peace.

This really is a pretty hard journal for me to write, mostly because I know what you're all going to say or think. But you know what? I don't care. I can't expect anyone to understand. But I am doing what I feel is right. It goes beyond my mind and my heart, I feel it in my gut.

I was hanging out with Kylie. We had been bowling and then we decided to go for a drive. We were cruising down Broadway and listening to Queen. Me singing along happily. Then completely out of nowhere I had this gut instinct like I needed to go to Dayne's house. Mind you, this was at 1 o'clock in the morning. This was not just a passing fancy, this was a pressing need. And the strange thing was, I hadn't been missing him, I had been perfectly content that day. I asked Kylie what I should do, whether I should just ignore it or if I should go. I don't know how all of your beliefs are, but I belief very much in energies and in instincts. I had never quite experienced a feeling like the one I was having. In the end, I decided to drop Kylie off and go to Dayne's house. I wasn't sure how it was going to work out, seeing as how it was 1 am, but I was prepared to climb through his window if necessary. Luckily, his step dad was still awake. I walked into Dayne's room, the lights were out and he was in bed, it was clear that he had been sleeping, but when I walked in, he was sitting there wide awake. I walked in and he said, "Whoa, I was just thinking about you, that was really wierd." I told him about how I had gotten this urge out of nowhere, like I needed to come to him. I knew he would understand because he really believes in energies too. He said that he had woken up about 10 minutes before I showed up, which would have been about the time I got that feeling.

We talked a lot, and I just felt like I was supposed to be there, with him. He had said that he had freaked out when he broke up with me, just feeling like he wasn't good enough, but after a couple of days he had thought it was a big mistake. I had been thinking, oh it'll be cool to go to college and meet new guys, but when I really stopped to think about it, that's not really what I want. At least not right now. Somewhere, deep inside of myself, I feel like Dayne and I's race is not yet run. I'm not saying we'll be together for all eternity, but right now, I feel like this is where I belong. You might all be thinking, oh she just got back with him because she was missing him and blah blah blah, and if it had been the first day after we broke up I would have agreed with you. But I was feeling perfectly fine, hadn't cried in a couple of days, or felt sad at all for that matter. This was a decision made on a mind not clouded with emotion. I feel happy now. I feel confident that I made the right decision. There's not a doubt in my mind.

I feel like this time, I need to be laid back. Me and Dayne are gonna have a young relationship, we're not gonna think and plan so far ahead that it becomes binding and overwhelming. We're gonna enjoy this time that we have, because when we're this young, it shouldn't be guaranteed that we're together forever. I feel like, in being with him, I'm not cutting myself short at all. I'm happy with him, and he's giving me what I need right now. And after talking to him, I was able to show him that. He had been overwhelmed at the idea of supporting me for the rest of my life. But he doesn't need to worry about that yet. If something doesn't work out in the future, it doesn't work out. But right now, it's working.

So you're all gonna think I'm nuts, or stupid, or whatever other choice adjectives. But I don't give a shit. Not that I don't love you all, not that I don't value your opinions, but my mind is made up. The deal is done, and I'm happy about it. And no one, NO ONE is going to rain on my parade. I am quite aware how it must look, going back and forth and back and forth. But we're young, we're figuring shit out. And this is what we've figured now. Maybe in few months, maybe in a few years we'll figure differently. I'm okay with that. Peace out.

Well, all of my close friends already know full details, but I guess I'll make a blog anyway. Dayne and I have parted ways once again. This happened on the 10th, the day before our 4 year anniversary. He left me because he said he feels like he's not good enough for me. He also said he feels like there are things that I need that he'll never be able to give me and that he thinks I'll be happier in the long run if I'm not with him. In a way, I wish he was this huge asshole so I could just be mad, because that's a lot easier. But he left me because he loves me and wants the best for me, that makes it harder. In hindsight, it's strange because we were so happy, everything was great, and this came from nowhere. But at the same time, I can see his side of it. I will admit that I am a very goal oriented person. I'm 17 and I know what I want to do with my life. It sometimes made me nervous that he didn't have a plan yet. He also really needs to learn to care for himself before he can take care of someone else. We are still in contact, for which I am grateful. He understands me better than anybody and I wouldn't want to be without his advice and his consideration. It's also a good feeling to know that in the future if he becomes the right man I'll still be in the picture. Although, I'm trying not to put to much hope into that, so I can protect my heart and not become disappointed should it not happen. It's kind of nice knowing there's still a chance though and that the future isn't written yet.

I cried a lot from the initial shock of it, and when I felt like I couldn't think about it anymore, I went for the bad habit that's always there to comfort me when I'm upset, I went shopping. I know that sounds totally ridiculous, but it takes my mind off of things. I bought a lot. I like my new stuff. I'm keeping it all. Then in the couple of days that followed I felt sort of numb, like the reality hadn't sunk in. Then one night I cried some more, really felt what had happened. Now I'm okay. Me and Dayne have been talking a bit via text message, and that's been good. Though it's been so hard and I've been missing him so much, I think I'm coming around a little at a time. I've been trying to think of the benefits of being single, though they've been hard to see. One thing I thought of is that I'm about to start college and meet some new people. I'm excited for that. Also, I'm trying to think of this as an opportunity to spend some time with myself. Figure out a few things. I think I've been doing okay, as far as staying positive. So that's the story.

In other news, work is great and I found out there's an opportunity to get some overtime this next week so I'm going for it. Time and half = hell yeah! I have orientation for school in about a week and I'm really excited for that. My friends have all been really supportive through this whole ordeal and I just want to say thank you. I really felt cared for. In particular, thank you Chris, Chris, Spencer, Kylie, and Victoria. My family has been really great too. My mom was the one who accompanied me on my shopping extravaganza. Today I'm dying my hair cranberry red again. I missed that color but quit dying it because I had that swimming class. I'm also getting my nails done today, both of these things with my mom The cool weather is wonderful. As fall approaches I always feel a sense of renewal. I'm not sure why, but it's my time of year. There's hope. The holidays are approaching as well as my birthday. It's a new beginning. Relief from the oppresive summer heat. I can't believe that in a few short weeks I'll be 18. That is so wierd. Thanks everyone for all your support and I hope everyone is well.